In Which I Go to the Walk In Clinic and Make New Friends

I haven't been feeling too great lately. Sinus stuff, chest cold, you know the drill. Anyways, my dad finally got tired of me coughing all over him, especially in the light of the fact that he was heading to a third world country in a few days and the remedy for a cold there is like, to chop of your privates or something equally heinous. He ordered me to go to the doctor. This posed a problem, as the university health center was closed for the holidays. I don't really have a general practitioner, so I decided to call my gynocologist. She told me she couldn't help me with ailments above the waist, but if I got syphilis to come on in.

I then called my psychiatrist.

Me: I need antibiotics. I have a sinus infection.

Shrink: Look deeper. Is that the real reason you called?

Um. Yes. Yes, it is. I ended that call quickly.

The next option was a walk in clinic. There are a few in town, so I looked them up online. The first one I looked at, SmartERclinix, whose slogan is "Like the ER...But for Smart People!" I shit you not. I wondered if they tested your IQ before they treated you.

I decided on Regional First Care, because they didn't make you join Mensa before getting poked and prodded. I played a few more games of word bubbles, then left home.

I walked into the clinic and raspily greeted the desk attendant.

"How can I help you?" she greeted me, cheerfully.

This is the part I don't understand. Why must I torture people? This girl was about my age, just innocently doing her job, and I have to ruin that?

"I have an eggplant stuck up my bum." I whispered, conspiratorially.

She looked quite taken aback.

"Just kidding. I have a cold."

Relief. Her eyes darted around the room as she laughed nervously, securing the locations of the closest exits in her mind should I approach her again.

But I didn't stop there.

They determined my head was all swollen up inside and I needed a steroid shot. I knew where that was going.

Male Nurse: I'm going to give you this injection in your hip.

Me: That's just a fancy way of saying ass.

Male Nurse: Yeah, but well when I tell people I'm going to "stick it in their ass" we tend to get lawsuits.

At this point, I decided I was in love.

me: Will you massage the area after the shot? You know, in a professional way...

Love of my life: Again, lawsuits.

Oh well, easy come, easy go.